True Friends

A Mom shared the situation her 13 year old daughter was experiencing. All parents are familiar with the "Friend Tug of War" and the constant jockeying for who is in and who is out. This time her child was on the outside and totally devastated. Of course her Mother is heart broken and trying to "fix it" for her precious daughter. Most of us have been in exactly the same place with our own children. Sadly we can't "fix it", but we can give our children the tools to handle the problem on their own.

It seemed like a good time to outline Sean Covey's second most important decision a teen will ever make. (For #1 see "Do you Always Want To Wear A Paper Hat?"- January Archives)

What's number 2? Friends. Why? "Because friends can either build you up or tear you down." He continues, "more importantly, what kind of friend will you be?" Being true to yourself makes you a friend people will want to have. Why? You can be trusted, you are caring and you are self-assured. Confidence is contagious. People around it want it too.

What makes friendships so difficult?

1. N The Popularity Game N Have you heard the song Popular from the musical "Wicked"? Oklahoma's own Kristen Chenowith, portraying Glenda the Good Witch, is teaching Elseba (The Bad Witch) the game of how to be popular.

"I'll show you what shoes to wear

How to fix your hair

Everything that really counts

to be pop-u-lar

This is exactly what it is - a game. In a game, there are winners and there are losers-always. So don't play it. Be wise. Don't play the game of popularity. Be yourself. (Something interesting. Independent and trustworthy You may look back in a few months time and find yourself POPULAR without all the strings attached!)

2. r Friends Little Quirks r Just because a good friend won't eat at the same table with particular people, or insists on gossiping, or only participates in "in" activities, doesn't mean you have to acquiesce. Lead by example. Eat with who you wish; change the hurtful subject in a gentle way; and follow your own interests as she follows hers.

3.lGossips and Bulliesl This is a hard one. Gossips can be discounted but bullies are not easily ignored. Your initial reaction can set the tone for future confrontations. Don't be intimidated. Don't react. That is what a bully is looking for. Don't get into a situation where you feel unprotected and vulnerable. Go to an adult if the situation seems to be getting out of hand. Be especially aware of bullying that is masked as friendship. If you always seem to be the brunt of jokes and put-downs, step back and evaluate what you are getting our of this relationship. And back to the gossip issue.

Unkind words are like rubber and glue.

What you say bounces back on you!!!

.

4. *Suffering Through Comparisons and Competitions* This is a game all ages play. Once again, there is always a loser. Be you. Be accepting and gracious with friends successes and strengths. Remember, you have talents and gifts too.

Some tips from Sean Covey to improve friendships. They are practical and easy.

+ Choose friends who like you for who and what you are.

* Don't make friends the center of your life

# Be Yourself

+ When it comes to friendships, stop competing. Think Win-Win

* Lift Others

# Prepare for peer pressure by setting goals

Here a simple exercise to help you figure yourself out.

Covey suggests you identify your personal "Life Center". Friends, school, popularity, work, hobbies, sports, boyfriend, girlfriend, parents, faith; or something else. Now, really stand back and consider this "center's" effect on you. Is it a positive, affirming and an evolving element that is leading you toward your life's goals?

A simple check list regarding friends.

a Choose friends that build you up

a Be a true friend

a Stand up to peer pressure

One last suggestion. Come up with 5 things you would be willing to stand up and fight for in the face of peer pressure. Follow your heart, don't follow the herd.