Marching to the Drum of a Different Beater

First, I would like to make one plea in light of another school shooting (in fact this past week there were three such shootings in America that I know of, one involving a school, another a staff development session, and another a 20-year-old who shot up his friends while they were sleeping. As I have pointed out before, all the shooters were young men.).

My plea is this: parents, please, please, please talk to your children about not making snide, rude remarks even jokingly, outloud or even whispered, about another person, foe or even friend. Today's kids say whatever pops into their minds without thinking first and it is very often hurtful, sometimes without even meaning to be, but from what I have observed today, most are completely premeditated.

I don't want to analyze why shooters shoot (although this isn't hard to imagine) or why kids say everything that pops into their head outloud these days (although Chrissie's previous article might explain part of it). But, I cannot reiterate enough: please, please tell your middle and high school aged children not to make fun of someone, even jokingly. Talk to them today.

I can hear some people now saying that it is a cold, cruel world and people should learn to take things in stride. It may be a cold world, but it's not colder than seeing your child lowered into the cold ground, shot by another child who felt someone had bullied him. It's not colder than the heartbreak parents must feel at seeing their child, who had been laughed at one time too many, locked up in a cold juvenile detention cell until he is 18 for taking a gun to school.

Proverbs says "Death and life are in the power of the word." The word death comes first in the statement because words can kill another person, maybe not physically, but just as surely mentally. At a young age the words are harder to get over. They leave deep wounds.

After a blog I wrote following the VT shooting, one young man wrote in to say that he could totally understand why the gunman did what he did, as some teens/young adults are fed up with the insults done them on a daily basis, by acquaintances, school mates, stangers, even just by society in general. In a society in which everyone feels entitled, rage is going to be the end result.

I cannot urge you enough to talk to your child about not saying hurtful things about other people out loud, nor under his/her breath for that matter, as they are audible in another equally hurtful way. Teach your child to deal straightforwardly with people, to mind his or her own business, and to treat others the way he or she would like to be treated. While they may feel entitled because they have been told their opinion is all important by our *me, me, me* society, the stark reality is that they are not entitled to say whatever they want about another person outloud and it can only lead to trouble if they do.

There is freedaom of speech, yes, but there is not freedom to bully others. Oklahoma has anti-bullying legislation. The Oklahoma State Department of Education also has a hotline for reporting any kind of suspicious behavior.

In a related issue, NPR has just done a story on boot camps aimed at reforming drastic teen behavior. At live-in boot camps kids have been beaten and even killed. There must be some proven benefit in behavior modification or boot camps would not continue to exist. If you are at the end of your rope with your teen and are contemplating sending your child to such a facility, I would thoroughly investigate it before commiting, no matter how desperate you are. I have not heard any bad reports on Oklahoma's teen boot camps, which is hopefully to our credit.

Here is the link to the NPR story:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15149800

True Friends

A Mom shared the situation her 13 year old daughter was experiencing. All parents are familiar with the "Friend Tug of War" and the constant jockeying for who is in and who is out. This time her child was on the outside and totally devastated. Of course her Mother is heart broken and trying to "fix it" for her precious daughter. Most of us have been in exactly the same place with our own children. Sadly we can't "fix it", but we can give our children the tools to handle the problem on their own.

It seemed like a good time to outline Sean Covey's second most important decision a teen will ever make. (For #1 see "Do you Always Want To Wear A Paper Hat?"- January Archives)

What's number 2? Friends. Why? "Because friends can either build you up or tear you down." He continues, "more importantly, what kind of friend will you be?" Being true to yourself makes you a friend people will want to have. Why? You can be trusted, you are caring and you are self-assured. Confidence is contagious. People around it want it too.

What makes friendships so difficult?

1. N The Popularity Game N Have you heard the song Popular from the musical "Wicked"? Oklahoma's own Kristen Chenowith, portraying Glenda the Good Witch, is teaching Elseba (The Bad Witch) the game of how to be popular.

"I'll show you what shoes to wear

How to fix your hair

Everything that really counts

to be pop-u-lar

This is exactly what it is - a game. In a game, there are winners and there are losers-always. So don't play it. Be wise. Don't play the game of popularity. Be yourself. (Something interesting. Independent and trustworthy You may look back in a few months time and find yourself POPULAR without all the strings attached!)

2. r Friends Little Quirks r Just because a good friend won't eat at the same table with particular people, or insists on gossiping, or only participates in "in" activities, doesn't mean you have to acquiesce. Lead by example. Eat with who you wish; change the hurtful subject in a gentle way; and follow your own interests as she follows hers.

3.lGossips and Bulliesl This is a hard one. Gossips can be discounted but bullies are not easily ignored. Your initial reaction can set the tone for future confrontations. Don't be intimidated. Don't react. That is what a bully is looking for. Don't get into a situation where you feel unprotected and vulnerable. Go to an adult if the situation seems to be getting out of hand. Be especially aware of bullying that is masked as friendship. If you always seem to be the brunt of jokes and put-downs, step back and evaluate what you are getting our of this relationship. And back to the gossip issue.

Unkind words are like rubber and glue.

What you say bounces back on you!!!

.

4. *Suffering Through Comparisons and Competitions* This is a game all ages play. Once again, there is always a loser. Be you. Be accepting and gracious with friends successes and strengths. Remember, you have talents and gifts too.

Some tips from Sean Covey to improve friendships. They are practical and easy.

+ Choose friends who like you for who and what you are.

* Don't make friends the center of your life

# Be Yourself

+ When it comes to friendships, stop competing. Think Win-Win

* Lift Others

# Prepare for peer pressure by setting goals

Here a simple exercise to help you figure yourself out.

Covey suggests you identify your personal "Life Center". Friends, school, popularity, work, hobbies, sports, boyfriend, girlfriend, parents, faith; or something else. Now, really stand back and consider this "center's" effect on you. Is it a positive, affirming and an evolving element that is leading you toward your life's goals?

A simple check list regarding friends.

a Choose friends that build you up

a Be a true friend

a Stand up to peer pressure

One last suggestion. Come up with 5 things you would be willing to stand up and fight for in the face of peer pressure. Follow your heart, don't follow the herd.