Welcome to The Care and Feeding of Teenagers
If you are reading this blog, it is possible that you are also wondering what alien has taken over your child's body. Or, you may have just prepared a lovely family dinner, only to find that it will be just you and your husband at home tonight, as your teen's sporting event was rescheduled for today without warning. Or, you may have found that your once talkative child now mumbles one word answers and wears flip-flops in the winter.
Never fear. This is only a stage we call the teenaged years. Depending on your child, this may last roughly from the ages of twelve to twenty-five (or beyond). But, don't worry, for this too shall pass. In fact, it does pass all too quickly, even though throughout these years you may be crying, yelling (something you swore you'd never do), crying, laughing, screaming (just accelerated yelling), sighing, clapping, driving constantly, threatening, beaming, hugging, dreading, jumping for joy, crying (because it does pass all too quickly), and loving (most certainly).
Sometimes people have no trouble whatsoever from their teenagers. We call this an anomaly. Most of us pray that we all, our teenagers and us, make it out alive. This blog is written with the goal of sharing our experiences and expertise to help others live more effectively with their teenagers. Look for recipes and party menus, as well as topics ranging from picking your battles with a thirteen-year-old to paying for college. We sincerely hope it helps with the care and feeding of your teenager. You can join in the discussion by posting comments to the blog.
Barbara Staggs was a great mother and educator. She was a teacher, principal, superintendent, and worked hard for education reform as a State Representative. This was her son Matt's favorite recipe when he was in high school. It's very easy to make and can be reheated for those late-night teen hunger attacks. Serve with a side salad and garlic bread.
Matt's Goolash
1 lb. elbow macaroni, cooked
1/2 lb. Velveeta, cubed
1 packet spaghetti sauce mix
1 lb. lean hamburger, browned and drained
1 4 oz. can tomato sauce or more to taste
salt and pepper to taste
Mix all ingredients in Dutch oven on top of stove. Heat over medium flame, stirring frequently until cheese melts and flavors are mingled.
Never fear. This is only a stage we call the teenaged years. Depending on your child, this may last roughly from the ages of twelve to twenty-five (or beyond). But, don't worry, for this too shall pass. In fact, it does pass all too quickly, even though throughout these years you may be crying, yelling (something you swore you'd never do), crying, laughing, screaming (just accelerated yelling), sighing, clapping, driving constantly, threatening, beaming, hugging, dreading, jumping for joy, crying (because it does pass all too quickly), and loving (most certainly).
Sometimes people have no trouble whatsoever from their teenagers. We call this an anomaly. Most of us pray that we all, our teenagers and us, make it out alive. This blog is written with the goal of sharing our experiences and expertise to help others live more effectively with their teenagers. Look for recipes and party menus, as well as topics ranging from picking your battles with a thirteen-year-old to paying for college. We sincerely hope it helps with the care and feeding of your teenager. You can join in the discussion by posting comments to the blog.
Barbara Staggs was a great mother and educator. She was a teacher, principal, superintendent, and worked hard for education reform as a State Representative. This was her son Matt's favorite recipe when he was in high school. It's very easy to make and can be reheated for those late-night teen hunger attacks. Serve with a side salad and garlic bread.
Matt's Goolash
1 lb. elbow macaroni, cooked
1/2 lb. Velveeta, cubed
1 packet spaghetti sauce mix
1 lb. lean hamburger, browned and drained
1 4 oz. can tomato sauce or more to taste
salt and pepper to taste
Mix all ingredients in Dutch oven on top of stove. Heat over medium flame, stirring frequently until cheese melts and flavors are mingled.
posted by Melony Carey and Chrissie Wagner at
1:37 PM
18 Comments:
Is there a healthy or sorta healthy way to encourage the at-home teen- ager to be more responsible? Is this a matter of what's small stuff or big stuff? An Admirer
If your teen is compliant, doing well in school, has friends whom you trust and your relationship is loving and open...go for it. In a positive way, suggest a specific problem that is really bugging you. Point it out in a non-threatening and inclusive way. What I would do is stand at the door of their room and scream in horror, open mouthed and arms waving over my head. Then I would laughingly hand them a trash bag and a tub for all the dirty dishes, give them a peck on the head and say "my Mom patience is gone." Perhaps this is a "bit" dramatic for you.
Anyway you do it, keep it light and non-accusatory. Don't nag. Don't hassle. Kids will go into the "deaf" mode to protect themselves.
Dr. James Dobson's concern is for those teens who could go over the falls down this adolescent river called puberty. These are teens who are not as confident yet, not succeeding as much. He advises, pick and choose what is worth fighting for and settle for something less than perfection on issues that don't really matter. The goal is to just get them through this turbulent, emotional, growing up time.
Do you read Zits in the cartoon section of the Phoenix? Could there be a more perfect illustration of the struggle and communication gap between parents and teens? -C
Thank you,,Thank you, Thank you!!!
We are grandparents who have guardianship of our soon to be 14 year old grandson. We sort of feel like we just crawled out of a cave. And according to grandson,,,we did!,,LOL. The styles, the music,the rolling of the eyes ( we call it the "bats are in flight again) the programs on tv the teens "have to watch" because "everybody" does,,and the music!!..Good grief,,makes me want to go back into my safe little cave! But that can't happen for at least another 10 years,and thanks to the two of you, perhaps our journey outside of our old cave will be a bit less stressful.
Our teen is sweet, obnoxious, lazy, hyper, indifferent, yet emotional. Yes,,,we have a full blown case of Teen! And we love him more than we loved our nice cozy comfortable safe old cave. So, we have searched the internet, and read books, and watched Dr. Phil, and alas,,the two of you were here all along!WE love you!
We are using 3 of your coupon ideas for his Christmas stocking. And he loves to cook, so why I never even thought about putting him in charge of a dish for Christmas dinner, I'll never know! He will love that! And tonight, he will be helping me wrap gifts. Such a simple thing to "involve" them in daily activities, and preparations, and I suppose we, as adults, overlook that our little ones are no longer "little" and are quite capable. Thanks again!
PS..Do you have any ideas on how to exterminate the bats??
CaveDwellers
Oh, my gosh! I can't tell you how much I admire what you are doing! You must be awesome and loving cave dwellers to open your home to your grandson. I love your quote describing him as "sweet, obnoxious, lazy, hyper"! It sums up the teen brain perfectly. Current brain research indicates that at your grandson's age the brain really is slightly swollen, which makes the early teenaged years somewhat erratic, emotional, and risk-taking, oh, and "batty". The eye rolling just goes along with having a swollen brain!! It will stop soon enough and you won't be cave dwellers anymore, you will be the coolest people your grandson knows (in fact, you probably already are)! Kind of like Mark Twain's quote about his father's being so much smarter after Twain was 21! Hang in there, and if you have any suggestions for us, please add to the postings! It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Thanks so much for your kind remarks!
Melony and Chrissie,
I really appreciate your blog! My son will be 13 in the spring and is in the 7th grade. He's starting to exhibit some of the signs you have outlined in your blog/column.The blog gives me a "heads up" on what is in store for the next few years.
Thanks!
Jennifer K.
Raising a teen is difficult at best, but it is even more difficult for Grandparents. We ARE out of touch with the latest fads. I mean, why on earth would anyone want to purposely put holes in an expensive pair of designer jeans!? ( I am watching the bats in flight!) And most often we are just as out of touch with todays new technology. And even we CaveDwellers know that todays Teens have a an addiction to anything that even resembles a tech gadget! And as I mentioned before, their music is nothing short of "painful" for us CaveDwellers..
What I am trying to say is this; Grandparents are simply winding down and beginning to enjoy quiet, peaceful, low key lives. It is simply the nature of things. Ahhhhhhhh,,,finally,,,we are able to jump in the car and take a little trip if we like with no worries about how Little Johnny will get to school or if he did his homework. We have no need for parental controls on the TV, or the computer. We can throw our money away at the Casino all night long if we like. And the house is always in perfect order!
But when given the privilege of raising a Grandchild, our world changes quickly and we must adapt to it for the well being of the child and for our own sanity.Life becomes a whirlwind of putting moral and safety guidelins in place, setting rules and learning how to enforce consequences once again. We have to learn all over again that our home is not a "show place", it is indeed a home and a few muddy footprints are not the end of the world. My home is now decorated in "Early Teen"; Pop cans, apple cores, candy wrappers, chip bags, rings on the furniture, wet towels in bathroom,and the new look in carpet,"grunge"!
The most difficult hurdle for us and our Grandson has been making the adjustment from our being the doteing Grandparents to our being the ones who are in "charge" of his life. Rules, consequences, etc. It's a tough transition and it takes a lot of energy and a huge amount of sense of humor. If you do not have a sense of humor, we suggest you get one! Buy it, borrow a friends, just do what ever you must to get one! Hone your patience. And when your patience runs low, do what I do; Go to your room, turn on 50's music really loud. For Teens It's like kryptonite to Superman! They get very quiet and most likely will retreat to their room where they then will try to decide if you are dangerous or just senile. Keep them guessing....it's good for a few laughs...
CaveDwellers
Dear Cave Dwellers,
You are right on! Thanks for the advice about keeping a sense of humor, and I can tell you had a great one even before your grandson moved in. I think you have your priorities exactly right. I love the simile of 50's music being like Kryptonite! Having just come in from surviving finals week with my high school students the day we go on holiday break, I can't tell you how much I needed to hear your sense of humor! I will definitely pass on your advice, if you don't mind. I think it could help lots of people out there! But, about that music...don't you remember how elders reacted to Elvis? Chubby Checkers? The Beatles? My mom threw my Beatles albums away after John Lennon said the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. And now they seem so tame compared to what teens are listening to today!! It's a brave new world we are living in, but I have a feeling you are cool cave dwellers who are adjusting rapidly to having your grandson there. You have everything all lined out, and while the world has changed, people are really still the same, so you have a wealth of knowledge from the first time you had teenagers, don't you? You will get a reprieve again and be on your way to the casino in the blink of an eye! Keep sending us advice from your unique experience on parenting in two different generations - people really can benefit from it! Thanks!
Jennifer K. - enjoy it all tremendously. I know you will!
You may use anything I write. I would be very honored if any of my experience could be of help to anyone.
CaveDwellers
Dear Cave Dweller,
Never doubt that the kid you are raising now has a 100 percent better chance to lead a successful life than had you not brought him into your home. There are lots of us out here who pretty much grew up without being "raised" by anyone.
I am having a great deal of difficulty signing in. I type a message and can't sign in. I have to change my password everytime, and it takes a great deal of time. By the time I do this, the message I have written is deleted. Any suggesations??
Thanks for the Kind words BigRig!
Parenting is more difficult now than it was even 10 years ago. Kids are exposed to so much more now. I am very upset with how the media plays to our kids. By the time a child is 7 she wants to dress "sexy" and she doesn't even know what that means!
Movies that are made for a Teen viewing audience undermine Parental authority, and if in fact a Parent is even seen in a movie they are made to look ridiculous.
Kids are told by the media that foul language, dressing provactive manner, smoking, fighting, sex, being rude, and having no supervision is how "it should be."
Kids under 16 are simply not equipped mentally to handle the peer pressure and all the stuff that is thrown at them. And we, as their Guardians,fail misrably when we cave in to our peer pressure from other Parents.Just recently, I allowed my Grandson to "hang out" at the Mall with some of his friends, against my better judgement. But after talking to some of the other Parents, I caved in. I did not want to be thought of by the Parents as "That over protective Grandmother"!
It was Grandsons first time out with his friends with no adult supervision.( He is 13) He was involved in some shoplifting with some of these friends, and needless to say, we were devastated...
He will not be permitted to go to the Mall anymore unless my Husband or I are with him. Or any place else for that matter! He is doing some good hard work in and around the house to earn double what the item cost. He will be apologizing and admitting to the Manager of the store what he did and he must pay for the item and hope the Manager will have a merciful heart. He also will be giving the cost of the item to charity. Hense the reason for earning double the price. He is grounded for several months as well.
I do not believe any child under 16 should be allowed to be anywhere without adult supervision. I have heard the argument that "times have changed", and we can no longer hold their hands until they are driving age. My question is "why Not"? It is even more crucial in these times that we supervise our children well. Because there is so much more danger now than in times gone bye.
We do our Kids no service by allowing them too much unsupervised freedom. We would do well to remember that our Kids are not born with a sense of right and wrong, fair play, and integrity. These are virtues that are learned while under close supervision of adults.
I would not allow a toddler to play outside,even in the backyard, without supervision. By the same token, I will not allow my 13 year old to "hang out" at the Mall or anyplace else with his friends without adult supervision. He is not an adult by any stretch of the imagination, and obviously, does not have enough self control to be left unsupervised. I don't think any 13 year old does....
CaveDwellers
Cave Dweller; I am so glad to hear you say that people under 16 need to be supervised (and I still firmly believe that even 16/17-year-olds need to be watched closely in certain situations, like in a boy-girl party in a dark basement...). Since we started the blog I have been thinking that maybe we were wrong to begin this topic about caring for teenagers, since so many people just turn a blind eye and let their kids go at it full speed ahead, even if they get hurt or hurt someone else. I get the distinct feeling that many people really do think that young teens are old enough to fend for themselves and would just as soon have them out of their hair than think hard enough to actually keep a handle on their teen's behavior (because it does take vigilance and hard work of a different kind than 3 year olds need, but just as mentally taxing). One common mistake parents make is to let the teenagers have free reign until they are about to graduate from high school, and then at 18 try to tell them what to do after it is too late.
I am so happy to hear that you are not taking responsibility for your grandson's actions or trying to make excuses for him, but rather, you are being responsible for remediating his attitude, being responsible for directing him in the right direction.
I completely agree with you that just because the times have changed we (don't) have to go along with it. To what end and how far? More on this conversation later. These are too complex for just a short dialogue!(p.s. - I am sorry about difficulty logging in to the system - blogger just switched their format - maybe that had something to do with it?)
First,,about the sign in problem...I think I figured it out,,though it seems odd to have to sign up every time,I don't mind.
Now to the real issue..
I too wish more readers would respond. I feel a bit awkward writting so much so often. I would very much like to hear various opinions and was hoping to garner some much needed help from others experiences.
There is no shame in having a child who does a wrong. The shame is in not dealing with the wrong, and not teaching the child a better way. Having a busy life is no excuse for being blind to your childs real life.( And they do have a different life when out of a parents sight!) We must become "un-busy" for the sake of our kids. We have to get past this ridiculous notion that we have no right to know what is going on with them! We have every right! In fact,,,we have a profound duty!
CaveDwellers
Cavedwellers, please don't feel funny writing. Your ideas and experiences have been refreshing and have validated others. We are going to use your comments as a topic, but the holidays are in the way. Thank you so much for your input. You are very wise and insightful! You may have come to learn from others, but you have already taught a lot! Thank you!
Dear Cave Dweller
I work in a large city mall and firmly believe half the teen population is unsupervised, undisciplined and has no sense of right and wrong. They abuse our property, insult us personally and seem to have no sense of right and wrong. I am of course turned off and miffed at their behavior but on a larger scale fear for the world that these kids will eventually assume the responsibility of. Please adults. - get control of these kids. Please see they need discipline, they need values and for god's sakes. they need love.
Mall Momma, You are so right, but why can't the rest of society see it?
MallMomma,
Sorry it took me so long to respond to your posting. Thanks Ladies for calling it to my attention!
I am in total agreement with you! Personally, I would like to see the Malls be even more strict and not allow teens to "hang out" at all in them! I worked at our local Mall for years and I have had to turn my attention from customers to keep a group of teens from shoplifting and/or tearing the place apart. Many times the Teens were rude and obnoxious. These kids act nothing like they do when they at home. If most Parents could see how their kids act when they are not watching, they would be mortified!
It can not be said enough,, KIDS NEED SUPERVISION! Kids learn how to act and how to treat others by watching how those close to them do these things. If the Parent or Caregiver isn't with them to teach them, they will mimic the kid in their "group" who gets the most laughs and attention. And that is usually the one who is the loudest, most obnoxious and has no sense of right and wrong.
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