Another Tribute to Mother

Here is another tribute to mothers for Mother's Day. It's been around the email a few times, but it's worth repeating and is good reading for mothers, fathers, and children of all ages.

BEING A MOTHER...

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to
take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She
said, 'I love you, but I know this other woman loves
you and would love to spend some time with you.'

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit
was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years,
but the demands of my work and my three children had
made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for
dinner and a movie.

'What's wrong, aren't you well,' she asked?

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a
late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign
of bad news.

'I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some
time with you,' I responded. 'Just the two of us.'
She thought about it for a moment, and then said,
'I would like that very much.'

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick
her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her
house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous
about our date. She waited in the door with her coat
on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the
dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
wedding anniversary.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an
angel's. 'I told my friends that I was going to go
out with my son, and they were impressed,' she said,
as she got into the car. 'They can't wait to hear
about our meeting.'

We went to a restaurant that, although not
elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my
arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat
down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only
read large print. Half way through the entries, I
lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at
me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. 'It was I
who used to have to read the menu when you were
small,' she said. 'Then it's time that you relax and
let me return the favor,' I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable
conversation- -nothing extraordinary but catching up
on recent events of each other's life. We talked so
much that we missed the movie.

As we arrived at her house later, she said, 'I'll
go out with you again, but only if you let me invite
you.' I agreed.

'How was your dinner date?' asked my wife when I
got home. 'Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,' I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive
heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't
have a chance to do anything for her.

Some time later, I received an envelope with a
copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place
mother and I had dined. An attached note said: 'I
paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I
could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two
plates - one for you and the other for your wife.
You will never know what that night meant for me. I
love you, son.'

At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: 'I LOVE YOU' and to give our loved
ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is
more important than your family. Give them the time
they deserve, because these things cannot be put off
till 'some other time.'
eeeeeeeeee
Happy Mother's Day...Everyday!

A Lesson in Love

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And God answered her "Yes, this way is hard, and you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning." But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike, and reminded them to feed the dog and do their homework and brush their teeth. The sun shone on them and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the nights came, and the storms and the path was sometimes dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come." And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, "a little patience and we are there." So the children climbed and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms. And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.

Year after year she showed them compassion, understanding, and hopes, but most of all...unconditional love. And when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you." The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And the mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these traits on to their children. My work is done."

A Mother is more than a memory. She is a living presence. Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well, she's your breath in the air on a cold winters day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is your birthday morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter and she's crystallized in every tear drop. A mother experiences every emotion...happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, excitement, joy, sorrow - all the while hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life. She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with every step you take.

author unknown

Happy Mothers Day

Paying for Student Achievement

End-of-Instruction exams (EOI) may be over, but a new round of testing is just beginning. Starting this coming week (May 5 - 16), students across the U.S. will sit for Advanced Placement Exams with the hopes of earning college credit and, in at least one place, some cold hard cash.

Wilby High School in Waterbury, Conn. has decided to offer money as a reward incentive to boost its AP program. Students who pass AP Exams will earn $100 for every test on which they make a 3, 4, or 5 (5 being the highest score). The fund for the cash incentives is supplied by a $451,113 grant from the National Math and Science Initiative.

The plan is to boost enrollment and participation in the Advanced Placement Program, an advanced studies program sponsored by the College Board (which also runs the SAT testing program) that can net students college credit. This Wilbury plan gets double rewards for students - not only can they get college credit for their passing score, they can also earn money. It's a win-win situation. Right now 112 students participate in the AP program. By paying students to participate, the school hopes to double the number of students in the program.

Sounds great, but I for one hope paying students for achievement doesn't catch on nation-wide. There are a couple of danger signs for our country evident in such attempts. First, usually the smartest and most motivated kids are directed toward AP - if we have to pay them to participate in an advanced program, we're down the tubes anyway.

The most important reason we should not pay students for their achievements, however, is that there is not enough money in the world to pay people, even youngsters who might need added incentive, for doing what is right. Paying students is a really bad precedent that can only undermine further the noble cause it is trying to promote, namely getting more students involved in their own education.

To me, a more rational way of "paying" students to participate in the AP testing program is the approach Muskogee High School has taken this year. The District has paid the exam fees, rather costly at approximately $80 each, for every AP course in which a student is enrolled. This gives students the opportunity to earn free college credit in a variety of subjects from AP English Literature to AP Chemistry. In a way, the student is being paid by being given the opportunity to take what could be $400 worth of AP Exams for free. Additionally, the student is excused from taking those courses in college, another savings of around $300+ per class.

We should ask ourselves, if we pay students for AP today, what will we pay them for tomorrow? Don't forget, these are our potential workers. If you own a business, can you forsee how much a plan like this will cost you?

Hallowed Halls and Ivy Walls

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Melony's information about paying for college is something to think about. So many American families live pay check to pay check. College five to ten years from now seems an easy financial obligation to put on the back burner. "There is lots of time." "We'll be in better financial shape then." "Precious is a 4th grade genius, I know she'll get a full scholarship when she graduates." "Did you see the way Little Jr. slammed that baseball? Colleges will be lined up for him to play for them."

Unless your statement begins, "Peggy Sue's trust fund......." do not assume money will magically appear when the time comes. It does not. Do not assume the astounding figures you see for four years of college is all it will cost. It isn't. Do not assume grants and scholarships happen just because your child is smart, or talented, or athletically gifted, or a minority, or a girl, or a boy, or handicapped, or whatever else is floating around out there. A friend of mine tells the story of his first day at Trinity University in San Antonio. The Freshman Dean stands before a room full of eager beavers and asks, "How many here were Valedictorian of their Senior class?" Pat proudly holds up his hand.........along with at least 80% of the audience. There are many worthy and outstanding 18 year olds, all vying for a limited number of scholarships and grants. Your child may catch the brass ring, and many do. But many others are welcomed by their university with open arms and a bursar bill.

This subject is near and dear to my heart. My daughter Catherine is graduating from The University of Oklahoma in two weeks. She is the third of our four to walk across the stage at Owens Field and the 4th Wagner is on target for 2010. When Tom graduates, we will have had at least one and sometimes 2 children in Norman for 14 straight years. My husband and I are very familiar with Bursar's bills.

Has it been a struggle? Sure it has. Have the sacrifices been worth it? Unquestionably.

Take it from someone who knows. Start saving now. Find ways to sock money away in a college savings plan as early as possible. Say, on your way home from the hospital after giving birth. Encourage your child to save toward college, not toward a new truck or a cell phone or a sound system or $125.00 tennis shoes. Make education a priority in your home. Make saving for college a focus.

I don't want to dissuade anyone from setting goals to attain scholarships. Academics, activities, leadership, service, all of these increase your child's chances of getting financial assistance. There are also lots of local scholarships that really help that first year. Encourage your senior to write the essays, fill out all the forms and apply for everything. That $250.00 scholarship goes a long way to cover first semester text books or student activity fees.

The college experience is broadening and enriching. Campus life offers new experiences and activities, exposure to new ideas and thought provoking intellectual debate. Lifelong friends are made and goals and aspirations are set. A positive four years opens up the world for a young adult. After graduation, that college degree opens up career choices, the vehicle to realize dreams, and the tools to make dreams come true.

When your children are small, don't make college a "maybe." Make it a "given." Make it the natural and assumed next step after high school. Include your kids in the loop. Let them know the sacrifices made, so higher education will be available when they graduate. Academics, financial planning, discipline and responsibility, long term goal setting, social skills, community involvement- these are all components that will make your home a setting for true "college prep."

The Counter is Ticking

Want to scare yourself to death? Visit Savingforcollege.com and calculate how much money you will need to save to put your child through college from beginning to end, all expenses paid. This sight calculates for you the amount of money you will need to save per month based on your child's current age.

If your child is 13, you have five years to save for college expenses. The "Simplest College Calculator" on the site can adjust for the amount you want to spend. For instance, if you just want to pay for 80 per cent of your child's expenses, expecting your child to work or get a partial scholarship to pay for the rest, you can adjust the calculator down.

If you want to pay for 100% of your child's college expenses, your child is 13, and you haven't saved a penny yet, you would need to start saving around $1,268 per month to afford that kind of an education. It only gets worse the older your child gets, if your child's college savings account is sitting at nil.

The site also has information on 529 College Savings Plans and other savings instruments, but you don't have to buy anything. As the parent of two college-aged children (one in law school) I would advise you to check out this web site today. It will give you an estimate of what you are facing in the way of college costs. You may as well pay yourself, as pay one of the college lending institutions.

Another thing to consider is that loan money is drying up. Restrictions for student achievement to get and maintain student loans are being tightened. If your child cannot maintain a 2.0, loan money probably won't be there anyway.

There are so many things to think about when factoring college costs. Education is the best way to understand the savings process, as well as the borrowing process. The counter is ticking and you want it to tick in your favor, not in interest from college loans.

Talk to Me

Remember how we communicated as kids? The old Dixie cups and a piece of string, stretched taut and tight. Our gang could never quite hear each other through them and ended up yelling back and forth. Upscale were the Walkie Talkies. They had a a range of about "out of earshot" and often there was more static than actual conversation. My brothers and neighborhood boys devised an elaborate signal system, using flags and secret symbols. I had a Brownie book that detailed how to make invisible ink using lemon juice. The message was revealed by holding the paper over a candle. Paula Bower and I promptly caught the carpet on fire.

Sometimes communicating with our teenagers seems just as difficult. Not only are the messages hard to decipher, the other participant seems less than willing to share the codes. What follows are some proven tools to help us (parents) communicate more effectively with them (adolescents). Thanks to Sue Blaney, author of Please Stop the Roller-Coaster for the insight and suggestions.

Focus on connection more than communication
You're the adult…you may need to meet your teen more than half-way
Expect to utilize indirect communication methods at times
Become good at reading all kinds of communication from your teen's body language, the emotions that underlie the words, his behavior, his friends behavior, etc
It is okay to negotiate on negotiable topics
Allow her to express her opinions
Treat him with respect no matter what
Invest in the emotional bank account you share

But what about when courteous listening and responding on the adult end is met with total opposition in return? Sure, we are to be the mature side, but it is difficult to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal slap in the face. Turning the other cheek is sometimes a hard thing to do. Your feelings deserve respect too.

When teens are non-communicative or very negative with us over a period of time, we need to explore if:
This child is in trouble and is in need of intervention
We are in some way fostering this communication breakdown
It is time we stand our ground and no longer accept unacceptable behavior
It is necessary to analyze both his behavior, and ours

The million dollar question? Why do teenagers communicate negatively with their parents? Blaney offers the following:
* Teens are going through major changes, and major stresses. It is possible that the only place he feels comfortable enough to act out, is with his parents.
* It is also possible that he is acting out toward his parents because he is frustrated with the relationships, rules, expectations, communication style or some other elements in family life.
*He may be feeling stress, or emotions that he does not understand or can't handle.
* He may be dealing with serious issues at school.
* He may be facing depression, or feeling really badly about himself.
*He may want to reach out and ask for help, but feels uncomfortable to do so.

If your parent radar is going off and the behavior seems more than normal- Evaluate your teen's behavior in terms of duration, frequency and intensity - How long has she been acting this way? How extensive and dramatic is this change in her behavior? How frequently do you see this behavior?

To gather information, "circle the wagons". Look to other adults in your child's life. Contact counselors, teachers and coaches. Speak with your youth pastor, adult friends, family-find out about the attitude and demeanor your teenager expresses to others. Do things seem amiss, or does he just save his nastiness for you? As you begin to gain a more thorough understanding of his state of mind, you can develop an appropriate strategy.

Assess your family dynamics. Families are intimately connected, and problems that show up in one person may indicate larger, more systemic issues that need to be addressed. Does your teenager receive enough loving attention? Does she feel safe and well cared for? Are there issues of competition or undue stress, unfair expectations, needs that are not being met? Try to be as honest as possible as you gather information about if and how you might be enabling and contributing to the communication breakdown.

The most productive communication will take place when calmness reigns. It may be time to have an honest discussion together, and if you set things up right this can be an opportunity to uncover important feelings and share honestly. Perhaps a family meeting would be helpful. Schedule it in advance. Be calm, non-judgmental and ready to listen to all family members.

Most families go through times of turmoil and challenge, and things get hard at times. Raising teens is not a problem to be solved but an adventure to be lived. Children are a long term investment. With unconditional love and with practiced patience, weathering this storm of adolescence will reap benefits that last a lifetime.

Winning the Parent Lottery

Randy Pausch, computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon University is dying of pancreatic cancer. Well, maybe I should say he is living of pancreatic cancer. Maybe you saw him on tv recently - I didn't, but wish I had. I picked up his book at the book store because I needed some inspiration put back in my life. Randy definitely has the market cornered on that.

Randy addresses topics of Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams, Adventures, Enabling the Dreams of Others, and It's About How to Live Your Life in his book The Last Lecture. He has had phenomenal experiences in his life, but what struck me was how many times he mentions his parents in his lecture. He claims he won the parent lottery - what an awesome tribute to those people who brought him into the world.

Just what was so great about Randy's parents? His mother was an old-school English teacher who had definite expectations for her children, but allowed them the creative freedom to explore and express themselves. His father was a WW II veteran who had won the bronze star for saving fellow soldiers' lives, although Pausch never knew this until after his father's death. His dad also started a non-profit organization to help immigrant children learn English. Needless to say, these parents set the bar high.

Pausch says money was never an issue in their home, but his parents didn't buy much. Instead, they thought about everything. A dictionary was madatory at the dinner table. His mom and dad under-wrote a 50 student dormitory in Thailand. When Pausch recieved his PhD, his mother would introduce him as her doctor son, but "not the kind that helps people," always keeping his ego in check. Humility, compassion, integrity, achieving wealth in thrift while greatly enjoying life - these are the lessons his parents instilled.

Pausch may have won the parent lottery, but his parents didn't wait for fate or the lottery to determine their course of action. The lottery implies that the choice to be a good parent is out of our hands and that's not true. Everyday we can make a conscious decision to be the kind of parent a kid will still look up to when he/she is fifty or seventy or ninety, long after we are gone. Our kids may not have a choice about whom they get as parents, but we do have a choice about what kind of parents we are and what kind of leadership we provide for our children.