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Violence-The New Arbitration

It's horrifying to watch. It's hard to miss. Turn on any news show and the video is endlessly played and discussed. Six girls lure a 16-year-old " friend" to a home with a phone call. She is met at the door by one girl while five others hide. As she walks into the trap two teens begin attacking her, slamming her head against the wall. When the ambushed girl regains consciousness, the girls take turns hitting her, all the while cheering one another on and videoing the thirty-minute attack. One voice is heard yelling: "There is only 17 seconds left, make it good." Two boys wait outside as lookouts.

All eight teens have been arrested for assault The victim apparently posted something against one of the girls on My Space. According to her attackers the girl deserved the treatment. Not one of the young women has showed any remorse for their deeds.

It's time for a reality check. This incident is not an isolated affair. Physical aggression among girls is a quickly growing trend. Statistics reveal that American girls are becoming as prone to violent behavior as boys. Dr Ruth Peters, a Today show contributor, sites the following:

· 20 years ago roughly ten boys were arrested for assault every one girl. That ratio is now four to one.
· Girls in gangs are just as likely to participate in beatings as boys.
· U.S. Department of Justice shows that in 1990 one in 50 juvenile arrests for all crimes is a girl. In 2003 one in three juvenile arrests for violent crimes is a girl.
· More than one in every four teens aged 13 to 15 who are arrested for aggravated assault is a girl.

The question is, why now? What has changed in our culture that triggers young women (and young men) to physically attack each other, seemingly without regret or remorse? Experts argue that video games, TV and movies, mass media, popular music and the Internet all glorify violence. There is a site to post fights on My Space called "Put Em On." That promised 15 minutes of fame further encourages the actions. It also validates and legitimizes the violence. Certainly, these examples are symptoms of a culture gone haywire, but these influences are unfortunately modeled by adult behaviors the kids come in contact with every day. Their actions are reflecting adult culture.

Sit a couple of times at a Little League game and watch a parent "lose it" over a call. Shows like Jerry Springer made cat fighting a form of entertainment. A distraught Father murders his own children, just to get back at his wife. A college student dresses in black and methodically shoots anything moving, because of his own personal failures. Individuals drive by houses and fire guns out of the window, all in the name of "saving face." An inconvenient pregnancy is no big deal, thanks to Roe V/S Wade. Road Rage is how some deal with the frustration of merely driving a car. Could it be true? Is a society of screaming, vitriolic, short tempered and self- centered grown-ups raising America's children?

Remember Steve Martin's comment from the movie Parenthood ? "You have to have a license to go fishing but they put a live baby in your arms and let you walk straight out of the hospital." It's true. This infant is placed in our care, unfortunately, without any operating instructions. Mothers and Fathers have to go on instinct and what they themselves learned at their own parents knee. If the experience wasn't so great, statistics show the next generation won't be so great at parenting either.

American families must break this cycle. Kids cannot be cast adrift to raise themselves. Parents, get to your kids before the culture does. Then, when our children are faced with decisions, they will have the tools and the inner voices to make the right choices. Dr. Michael Bradley observes that parenting is a contact sport. Be connected with your children. Only through this connection will they learn what is right, what is good and what is true. chrissie

Close the Door, Change the Record, Clean the House

Ok, so a friend told me about Paul Coelho's Facebook page. I interact with a lot of writers, but I never thought about their having a Facebook, but why not - everyone else does! And, hey, they're writers, right? It's what they do, so of course most of them are connected these days, having cast off the manuscript writing for the much easier to read and edit computer. And while sitting at the computer waiting for inspiration, why not just take a break and jot on Facebook for awhile?

So, it was Paul Coelho and his 757,000 fans that led me to his message from March 11:
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. Close the door, change the record, clean the house. Stop being who you were, become who you are now.

Well, maybe it is a little cryptic and New Age-ish, but it did kind of jump out at me. Lately everywhere I look, the present and the past are all around me. It's hard to change the record when PBS is playing old Beatles, Stones, and Beach Boys and Jimi Hendrix can still make it to number one on the charts. It's hard to clean the house when it is still the repository of all the children's things. Although I did just get a new refrigerator and was forced to remove all the magnets and pictures of Madison and John at ages 2, 7, 10, 14 and 18. Not having to look at them has somehow freed me just a little from wondering where all the time went so quickly.

As for that closing door - there are lots of rooms in my house. It will take awhile to close them all.

Yakkety Yak- Don't Talk Back

Do you feel like you and your teen are not speaking the same language? Does it seem like anything you say bounces off a blank wall? Has the child who hung on your every word now been replaced with a adolescent who listens to nothing you say? If you are wanting to see some changes in your relationship with your teen, communication may be the single most important place to focus, for communication is the key to your success. For every conversation, we have a choice in the language we use and in our approach. What, oh what, are our choices??

Sue Blaney, http://www.pleasestoptherollercoaster.com, offers 5 tactics that she guarantees will help us see some changes for the better:

Be brief. This tip is simple, straightforward and effective. Less is more when it comes to getting your point across with your teenager. When you hear yourself winding up and carrying on, tell yourself to stop. Make the point and end the conversation.

No lectures. Discussions are good; lectures turn your kids off. Effective communication includes give and take. Your most effective approach with a teenager will get him thinking, talking, and contributing. While there are times what you say goes. (see tip above), avoid getting on your soapbox and lecturing. (I personally love my soapbox and I am so good at posturing! -C)

Use silence. Pause after you ask a question, then wait for the answer. This tactic, while appearing simple and obvious is one that many parents neglect to use. It is a common mistake to jump in, solve problems for your child and direct too much; parental actions which actually work against you and your teen. Better to exhibit patience and see what she has to say for herself. (the trick here is a positive silence, not a sullen one!-c)

Use specific action words rather than abstract terms. Teens, just like when they were little, are pretty concrete in their thinking. It helps to use concrete and clear language. Whether you are providing guidance, discussing rules or expectations, or helping your teen sort through an issue with a teacher or friends, in most discussions try to use language that is specific and tangible. ("If you break curfew, you will be grounded," not, "if you break curfew, there will consequences too horrible to fathom."-c)

Tune into the feelings even more than the words. As you are interacting with your teenager, consciously try to identify the emotion he is feeling as that may be far more important to respond to than the words. Recognize his underlying emotion and respond to that appropriately. This tactic alone can shift your communication into a realm that is far more satisfying and real for your teen, helping him feel that you are seeing and understanding him at a new, more meaningful level. (tune in to what you already know, but perhaps have forgotten to utilize- that parent radar. -c)

These aren't the only strategies and tactics that can help you improve communication with your teenager... but if you concentrate on these five you can build some new habits that will yield helpful results.

Sue Blaney has some practical and easy to implement suggestions for opening up those lines of communication between parents and teens. I don't know.....it may be difficult to give up a parent's favorite argument, "Because I said so!!!" Enjoy the sunshine-chrissie

I'm the Mom

I just attended the Boys in Crisis workshop given by Ruben Perez of aha!Process, Ruby Payne's company devoted to studying the effects of poverty. Mr. Perez, who was a Wal Mart Teacher of the Year, spoke about the state of boys in today's society and schools and how to reach them most effectively. More about that later.

But during the conference he shared a video that all moms can appreciate. It's Anita Renfroe's "William Tell Mom." I also posted it on our Facebook page. I don't think there is anything here that we haven't all said to our children at one point in their lives! Because, after all, we're the mom! Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYukEAmoMCQ

If this will not open, just Google "William Tell Mom" and you will find the link to the youTube video, as well as the lyrics.

The Gift of an Ordinary Day

I have been reading what I call, "a little book." It won't be on the New York Times Best Seller List. I probably won't see the author being interviewed by a talk show host. It has a limited audience but nevertheless speaks to those of us who pick it up.

the gift of an ordinary day - A Mother's Memoir, is a meditation on midlife. It speaks to those women who have passed babies and preschool and little league and moved on to curfews, hormones and children leaving home. It is a book about midlife want and loss. The author, Katrina Kenison assures us that mothers can reinvent themselves as their teens grow up. Mother's can truly claim new ground right along with their teenagers. Her book gives women the tools to switch gears and to find fulfillment and joy in this next part of our lives.

Kenison writes, "At mid-life, I managed to convince myself that physical movement was a prerequisite for change. Going somewhere else would satisfy a restlessness of spirit. Now, I recognize the restlessness for what it was-the first stirrings of fear that my own life would be over when my children left home. I began to ask the question, who am I now?"

"Once upon a time I took pride in the predictable patterns of our days; nap times and bath times and bed times. Later I taught my sons to cook for themselves and I proofread book reports and chauffeured carloads of boys. Now we're in a different place and a different time, and I need to become a different kind of mother. A mother who knows how to back off. A mother who's gaze is not so focused on her two endlessly absorbing children, but who is engaged in a rich full life of her own. "

"I must be a mother who trusts in who her children are, even if they aren't exactly who she thinks they ought to be. Who keeps faith in the future, even when the things her children do in the present give her pause. A mother who remembers, above all else, that the greatest gift she can give her nearly grown sons is the knowledge that, no matter what, she loves them both absolutely, just exactly as they are."
"
"What confirmed me as a mother from the first moment of birth to the now as each prepares to leave , is a heart full of love. That is the constant, the "never change". Love is the infinite, durable strand that's woven itself through all the days of a shared past and will wind it's way through our unknowable futures, no matter how much life separates us, no matter where my sons journey may ultimately lead them."

Katrina Kenison, in this small book, teaches the art of letting go and holding on. It is available at the Muskogee Public Library and on-line at Amazon. Enjoy. Chrissie